How to Adult, Please?


I was recently remarking to a friend how, despite my increasing years and responsibilities, I have the remarkable capability to remain just as wholeheartedly incompetent at being an adult as I was in my teens. While I may feign adulthood relatively well – I pay my bills, rent a room, have an unstable job, and use words like “brunch” and “expenses” – there are a few things that I have yet to conquer.


How anybody has the wherewithal to do laundry before they are down to their second last pair of underwear is beyond me. My wardrobe choices entirely reflect how long it’s been since I last trucked down to the Laundromat. And when I do finally do my laundry, it is all washed in cold water, nothing is separated, and the nice lady that runs the place has to pantomime that I am putting too many things in one machine. To which I say, “I know; it’s for the environment.”

(I’m going to hell. It’s not for the environment.)


While age has had the lovely effect of making me more resistant to being hurt or embarrassed (I haven’t yet decided if that’s a good or a bad thing), my capacity to be patient has dwindled right along with them. I have zero patience for stupid/rude/lazy people (at times hard to distinguish) and my entire world can shrink down to a single, rage-filled moment in time when I see the following things:

  1. People who stand on the moving walkways at the airport and just block things up. Really? Do you really think this device was made so that we could come one step closer to becoming the obese people in Wall-E?
  2. People who are too busy on their smartphones to pay attention to someone serving them – either a cashier at a café or a waiter in a restaurant – despite repeated requests of “Sir? Sir? Are you ready to order?”
    They will likely emerge from their social media daze several minutes later and say, “I can’t believe the waitress hasn’t been around yet. She’s not getting a tip.” And then they’ll tweet about it.
  3. Littering. Is it really so hard? The bin is right there. Somebody is going through the trouble of taking your entire city’s garbage in a big truck and getting it out of the way for you every day, and you still think, “Nah, I’m just gonna leave it right here for everyone to enjoy”?
    You get to go stand next to that guy on his smartphone on the walking escalator jammed with Wall-E people.


Is there an app to file my taxes for me yet? And could it also do all of the taxes I missed in the past couple of years? Can I still get those returns back? And what the hell did I do in 2011 and 2012?

I recently decided to become an adult, and this has mainly included doing unpleasant things right away, rather than procrastinating and pushing them off. This has largely led to the realization that none of that stuff is actually so bad. I do dishes immediately, I make my bed in the morning, and I have gone from hitting snooze seven times a morning to just getting my lazy ass out of bed to make coffee. And I’m amazed that it took me 23 years to learn this.

But fuck taxes. And laundry. And could I get a return on all of the naps I refused as a kid, please? I’d like to cash them in now.


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